ALL THINGS JAY LENO THE STORIES YOU HAVE'NT HEARD

Intro And Meeting Jay Leno

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Hi, I'm Kim Alexis. Today in Paris, Patrick Kelly is showing his collection of spring closed. Hi, I'm Kim Alexis with your ticket to adventure. I'm Kim Alexis, and I'm here in New York City. Got a great show coming up for you, so stay tuned.

SPEAKER_02 0:21

Okay, well, I am here with Jay Leno, who is, you probably don't need any introduction. Comedian, late night host, avid car collector, loving husband. You've got a lot of wonderful titles. Um have you always been funny?

SPEAKER_00 0:37

Well, I I I suppose. I mean, when you're a child, you're just obnoxious. You know, it's I don't think people, oh, they're so funny. You know, you're just, you know, you're the class clown and you you don't really know what's funny, what's not funny. So consequently, you kind of do anything to get attention, you know, probably. But um, I don't know if it's always funny. Yeah, I I mean the first joke I I remember the first time I got a laugh. I was in the fourth grade. Mrs. Allen was our teacher. She's still around, by the way. That's what's created by coming from a small town, you know. They're like 90 now and the same teachers.

SPEAKER_02 1:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:10

But she's talking about Robin Hood and how cruel the sheriff of Nottingham was. And he would boil Robin's men in oil when they were captured. Yes, sir. You know why she did that to to Tuck? And I said, No, why? Because he was a friar. And she went, Okay, all right, that's not funny. But I could see her like kind of laughing. So then, okay, so then class ends. Later in the day, I'm walking past the teacher's lounge, and one of these, Leno, come here. What did you say about Friar Tuck? What? Well, she went back and told my joke in the teacher's lounge. Well, well, that's unbelievable. Like I that was the first time I remember uh doing something that actually paid off, you know.

SPEAKER_02 1:50

Right, yeah, right. And you grew up in New Rochelle.

SPEAKER_00 1:53

New Rochelle, New York, well, to age nine, and then Andover, Massachusetts. That was more my formative years, Andover, Massachusetts.

SPEAKER_02 2:00

Okay. I lived for a while in Harrison. Oh, yeah, Harrison, okay. Yeah, so I knew New Rochelle and Metro North to get in and out of the city. Lennox Clan Bar, that's my uncle's place.

SPEAKER_01 2:10

Oh, I didn't ever go there.

SPEAKER_00 2:11

Well, there you go. Is it still there? Probably why you're alive today, yes. Uh yeah, it's still there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:18

Okay. So you went on to college. I find that interesting, but you were also doing stand-up at the time? Or no? Well, what happened first and why did you feel like you were going to college if you thought comedy was where you wanted to go?

SPEAKER_00 2:34

Well, my parents wanted me to finish, get something to fall back on. And when I was in high school, I was not a very good student, I'm dyslexic. And I remember Mr. Neil, a guidance counsel, called my mother in and said to my mother, You ever thought of taking Jay out of school? I said, Why would you? Well, I know he works at McDonald's. They have an excellent program. They teach you how to make I'm going, hello, I'm in the room. Hello, you know. And no, I don't, I said, I want to work at McDonald's. Well, education's not for everyone. I remember that. So when I got to Tonight Show, I had Mr. Neal on. I invited him out to tell everybody the story. So that that was kind of funny.

SPEAKER_03 3:12

Oh, I bet.

SPEAKER_00 3:13

That was kind of funny, yeah. Um, yeah, my parents wanted me to finish. And, you know, there was Vietnam. If you didn't go to college, you got you went to Vietnam. That was sort of it. So uh I went to Bentley School of Accounting and Finance for like eight weeks because it was near my house. I'm dyslexic. Why I went there. I just would, well, that's the college nearest my house. I was not the most ambitious. But you got in? Yeah. Yeah, I however that happened. Yeah. And then I went to Emerson College, which is more of a theatrical arts college, but not necessarily comedy. And uh and that's kind of where I started. Yeah, kind of where I started doing comedy.

SPEAKER_02 3:53

There is no real schooling for comedy, right? You either have it or you don't. It's not like acting classes.

SPEAKER_00 4:01

Yeah, that's the way I kind of feel. But there there are places now that teach it, you know, and and you all see the corporate heads. And so I exclaimed, and then they, you know, they that's my favorite thing is to do a corporate event, and the guy tells a joke that's not funny, and then goes, but seriously. Right. As we move on. No, you didn't get a laugh. Right. So you don't need to do the but seriously. Right. You're still serious, yeah. Yeah, that's funny.

SPEAKER_02 4:27

All right. So you graduate from college, and then what made you move to LA?

SPEAKER_00 4:32

Well, I was I New York was kind of where it was, but the the show business community was moving to LA. Uh Johnny was still in New York then. You know, I started in 1969. I'm really old. So, and then I guess in 71 or 70, the Tonight Show upped and moved to LA, which then made the Merv Griffin show go up and move align, which made all the other shows go. So, pretty soon there weren't there wasn't a lot of work in New York City. I mean, there was, you know, CBS News and those kind of things, but the the Today show was there. But there wasn't late

Growing Up Funny And Getting Started

SPEAKER_00 5:05

night, you know.

SPEAKER_02 5:06

Right. Okay. But so you always knew you wanted to get into late night, or were you?

SPEAKER_00 5:11

I thought it was more stand-up. I mean, see, they didn't have comedy clubs. When I started, I really I just worked, you worked strip joints, you know, and that was kind of stupid. Uh you really worked in strip joints? Well, you're 19 and there are naked girls at your job. I mean, how bad can that be?

SPEAKER_02 5:29

You know, do people want to hear jokes there or are they busy?

SPEAKER_00 5:32

I know. But you can be terrible but not know you're terrible, you know. The the first time uh then I worked a jazz club, openly for Buddy Rich and Miles Davis, and jazz audiences actually listened. When the comedian went on, they went, shh. I went, oh, this is this, these are the kind of clubs. So there weren't a lot of opportunities to be a comedian because nobody wanted to be a comedian. I went down to the improv in New York, which is now sort of the one of the comedy places, but at the time it was uh for Broadway singers. I remember Barry Manilow was a piano player. Bette Middley used to come in and sit, sing because she wasn't famous then. And uh all the other Broadway singers would come in. And Bud would always say, are three more singers than you. So three more singers than because there weren't enough people who wanted to be comedians. Now everybody wants to try their hand at stand-up. But back then, it would just, it didn't seem like a viable, viable way to make a living.

SPEAKER_02 6:27

But you kept with it.

SPEAKER_00 6:28

Yeah, I I kept with it because I enjoyed it. I I liked doing it, and it was great fun. I mean, that's the trouble with a lot of comedians. You know, they all want to do, I'm renting a screenplay, I want to get a sitcom. Well, if you find no joy in doing stand-up, don't do it, you know. Right.

SPEAKER_02 6:44

So to you, it was it seemed like it was natural. You stepped, it was almost you helped to create that.

SPEAKER_00 6:50

Well, I didn't help create it.

SPEAKER_02 6:52

Well, you made it more popular. You well, not really, but uh so who was a great stand-up comedian before you? Did you love it?

SPEAKER_00 7:01

Well, you have to remember before me, it was mostly Depression-era guys. Rodney Dangerfield, the kids today with the long hair, you know, that kind of stuff. And then you had a generation of younger comics, George Carlin, Robert Klein, and they were talking about things people from my generation talked about. Uh, you know, at music shows, making fun of pop groups, things the older comedians never did, you know. So they're the ones that really, really set the stage for the next wave of younger comedians.

SPEAKER_02 7:33

Did you study any of them or did you know that you just had to? I like this, I don't like that.

SPEAKER_00 7:40

Well, sort of you try to figure out what are they doing right that you're doing wrong, that type of thing.

SPEAKER_02 7:44

Yeah. Yeah. Is it a lot of timing, do you think?

SPEAKER_00 7:49

Or more how you present it. It's one of those things you either have it or you don't, you know. Right. But you can't teach. Well, I suppose you could teach it. I mean, a lot of times I get CEOs, they ask me, how do I do it? I and I just tell them, first of all, don't tell them it's a joke. Just tell a story and see if it gets a laugh, roll with it. If not, uh but I mean, just try and just take it easy, just talk, you know, just try to tell something that's true that really happened to you, as opposed to some made-up thing like that. You know, so you get that a lot.

SPEAKER_02 8:22

But so how did you open for Tom Jones? How did you get those opportunities?

SPEAKER_00 8:29

Well, yeah, I mean, when you worked the comedy store and the improv, they there would be scouts that would come down and they would look for comedians. For, you know, Merv Griffin, Johnny Carson, Dick Cavot, all these shows, they needed stand-ups just put in between various acts, you know, do five minutes or six minutes. So they're always looking for people. And consequently, most of the big acts in those days, you opened for Tom Jones, Perry Como, I Sinatra, Tony Bennett. I I mean, everybody. I mean, I opened for a lot of people. It was and it was great fun. Yeah, it was great fun. I enjoyed it. Yeah, I bet. Well, what Tom Jones, it was like Tom Jones had in his contract, all silverware had to be off the tables by the time he went out. Why? Well, because it was a dinner show.

SPEAKER_02 9:21

But he Oh, so we didn't want the clinky clanky noises?

SPEAKER_00 9:24

Right, but but you have people, you know, I would go on, they'd be like this. You know, just awful. Just awful.

SPEAKER_02 9:34

I don't know why that makes me laugh.

SPEAKER_00 9:36

Well, it's just stupid. And then what would happen was I would come off stage and the waiters would push a big plastic bin in, pull the tablecloth off the off the table and dump all the dishes in, clang, clang. Well, I'm on stage, talk so clang, clang, clang, clang. Because all all plates had to be off before Tom went on. That was sort of that was his contract. You know, and and the fun part about that was the audience thinks if you're on stage, that's more time Tom could have been singing if it wasn't for you. Like he would come out that much earlier. You know, he used to have the Tom Jones Fan Club. And one day I'm in Vegas and doing two shows a night for two weeks. And the Tom Jones fan club had bought over 300 tickets to every show. So I go on the first show and I get some laughs. I go on the second show, it's the same audience. You know, but in the middle of the week, hey Agnes, how you doing? Hey, Susan, I and I'm just they've heard these jokes five times now, right? Six times now. And they're gonna hear them, you know. So they're all like it's just like a nightmare. It's a horrible idea.

SPEAKER_02 10:53

Because you can read that when you're up on stage, right?

SPEAKER_00 10:55

Well, yeah, yeah. When you're not getting any laughs, you read you begin to do speed reading. Yeah, you you you pick that up pretty quickly.

SPEAKER_02 11:00

So did you could you change your routine or could you make really you have a routine that you do?

SPEAKER_00 11:06

I mean, you have jokes that work, it's just not every day, every night. You can't tell them to the same people 14 times.

SPEAKER_02 11:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:15

Yeah. I mean, which is hold on, they want tickets to all all two weeks worth of shows.

SPEAKER_02 11:19

But Tom Jones could sing the same songs every night, and that was different? Well, yeah, that is different.

SPEAKER_00 11:24

I mean, that's if you're in a fan club. I was so stupid, you know. I remember I came off stage once after one show. And I walk out, and this girl goes, Hey, great show. I went, Oh, thanks. Hey, where are you from? You want to get something to eat? Okay. Okay, we're talking. And she goes, you know, I don't have all night. I said, What? I I don't have all night. All night for what? Well, she was she didn't see the show. She's just a hooker working the room. So when I walked out, she went, Hey, good show. And I went, Oh, thanks, thinking she saw the show, but she didn't. So I'm like, I said, No, I'm I'm sorry. I didn't know she goes, Oh, I thought you wasted my time. And stomps out, you know, it's hilarious.

SPEAKER_02 12:05

Yeah, the naive things that we do when we're younger. Oh, yeah, right. Like, you're a what? You want what? All right. So then how did in 1977 you get on the Tonight Show? Right. How did that come about?

SPEAKER_00 12:20

Well, they come down and they see you. I mean, I I remember Steve Martin brought Johnny in to see me, and so did Harvey Corman. You know, you always get more work from other comedians than you ever get from an agent or manager, especially when you're starting out. I mean, people think it's this horrible cutthroat business, you know. When I watch these HBO shows, there's one about the comedy store, and it's dark and gloomy, everybody's drinking and doing cocaine. And that wasn't my experience. I mean, there was a great joy in it. We'd we'd we'd perform and then we go to go to Cantor's restaurant on Fairfax, sit at a big table and just go over jokes. Did you hear the thing I did about what'd you think of that? Oh, that was funny. And it was a wonderful experience. I I really enjoyed it. It was it was great fun. And that's how it happens. You know, if you listen my first tonight show, you hear at one joke you hear and it's Robin. It's Robin Williams' laugh. You most people can pick it out once you tell them where it is. Yeah. Yeah. And it's it, but the comics would all come to eat whenever somebody did a show, we'd all just support them, and they would laugh it up. And you know, and it was great. It was really a good time. I enjoyed it.

SPEAKER_02 13:30

Yeah, so that was and when you were on the tonight show, you didn't host, though, that first 77.

SPEAKER_00 13:36

You were no, I just I was on as a guest. I didn't host.

SPEAKER_02 13:39

Yeah, yeah. So

Early Gigs And Brutal Room Lessons

SPEAKER_02 13:40

but you were on as a guest, as you as a comedian.

SPEAKER_00 13:42

Right, right.

SPEAKER_02 13:43

Yeah. So you rose pretty fast because you graduated.

SPEAKER_00 13:47

I know I thought I was the last guy in the world to do the tonight show. Because when you when you get in this business, days or weeks, weeks or months, months or years, because all you do is look at the clock. Okay. Okay, I'm off for 23 hours now before I go on stage again.

SPEAKER_02 14:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

So the next day comes around, and it seems like an eternity has happened. But it's like watching the hands of a clock. They don't appear to move, you know. And that's and that's kind of what it's like when you're starting out. You just have to take it, you know, it's a bit like college. You come here, and for the first year, like a freshman, you just kind of learn the ropes. Second year, who's the sleeve sleazy agent, who's the real agent, uh, you know, who's trying to have sex to do, who's trying to do. And you you get it all all figured out. And by the fourth year, you pretty much got it down, you know. I mean, I always get surprised when I see comedians come out, they get all dressed up for audition at the comedy store, and they think all these important people. No, they they they know you have to you have to live here. You have to be here, you gotta get on every night. The one thing about being in LA is there's always somebody important in the audience every night. I mean as compared to Gary Indiana, you know. Right. You're not gonna have, you know, the director of some sitcom, but in LA, oh, that's the Jim Brooks, or that's so-and-so. You know, oh wow, they saw me. And then that's I mean, I I got a Laverne and Shirley and a bunch of shows like that, just because they had seen me and thought, oh, that's kind of funny. Let's let's see what happens here, you know.

SPEAKER_02 15:18

Yeah, yeah, that's I think that's what's really neat though. It helped you develop and yeah, but you know what it is?

SPEAKER_00 15:25

Yeah, I I just it happens naturally. You try to force it, you expect it, but you know, it's it's like going out and trying to find a date. If you think you're gonna have sex, you're gonna be disappointed. If you just want to meet somebody nice and go to dinner and maybe it blossoms into something, that would be nice. But a lot of people go into it thinking, uh, this is what we're gonna do, you know.

SPEAKER_02 15:49

It's like my business. These young girls go into modeling and they want to be a supermodel right away. I'm like, don't you start modeling first?

SPEAKER_00 15:57

Well, yeah, yeah. I I imagine there's some correlations there. Yeah, yeah, it it's it's probably similar. I always feel sorry for those girls because they're so young. Yes. You know, there aren't many 19-year-old comedians. And the ones that are, nobody cares about. So consequently, they have to be really funny or they just fall by the wayside. If you're a pretty girl, there's all kinds of reasons why people would I always remember that situation with Cosby. And people said, Well, these girls should have known he bites you up to what do you think is gonna happen? But you know, when you're naive, I'm I was 18, 19 years old. And I would go into clubs in Boston, and I put $50 on the bar, and I would say, Can I go tell jokes? If I get a laugh, give me my $50 back. If I don't get laughs and people leave, you keep the $50. Okay. Well, that cost me about $500 at some point.

SPEAKER_02 16:52

But but Okay, that was like 10 times, right?

SPEAKER_00 16:55

Yeah, but but eventually it worked. Oh, okay. Hey, that's pretty, yeah, come back, come back. Well, we're gonna do uh, we used to call them hoot natty nights because it was guys like Stop You War Machine Man, you know, those little guys with guitars, and you know, it was Vietnam. So comedy was like, well, not not something, not something uh No, people weren't laughing back now. But didn't they need a laugh because things were you'd think so, but but but the point is I remember I went into one club and the club owner said, Hey, are you in AGVA, which was the stage union? Oh the Broadway actors and stand-up. But I don't I think it's still around, but AFTR?

SPEAKER_02 17:32

Well, I'm AFTRA. Well, yeah, so like yours is different.

SPEAKER_00 17:34

It's probably a union of AFRA now. And this guy said, Oh, he said, you know, you can't be on how long you've been a comedian. I said, Well, I don't know, about six months. Six months? You're supposed to be in the union within 90 days. You could be in violation. You don't think well uh what do I do? Well, here go down to the seat, join the union, go down to the AGVA office there. So I got out of the office, you know, and I come through there. Just a guy goes, Okay, click, yes, can I help you? Uh so-and-so sent me down. I said, uh, how much is it joined union? He said, 300. I said, well, I don't have 300. And then he said my favorite word. Well, how much you got? I said, Well, I got 75. And he took my $75 and he rolled on the back of his business calls, Union Man. Just show this to anybody and you'll be fine. I said, uh, okay. Now I knew I was being ripped off, but I wanted to believe. You know, you're a kid, you want to believe. Maybe stranger things have happened. Maybe this is really the real, you know. So I I would see how these 19-year-old girls would get lured into something that they don't really want to do. So I always felt a great empathy for them because that's basically what happened. You want the success so bad. You all right, maybe, you know, maybe I'm not being a grown-up. Maybe this is what grown-ups do, whatever it might be, you know. So yeah, I've always been, I just that's that's like my example when I when I feel I have to defend somebody. Yeah. I mean, it happened to me. I was a kid. I I was new, I knew I was being taken, but maybe there's a chance that, and when I'm back to the club, I said the guy, he gave me this card, you name it. Charlie. I said, okay, thank you very much. Yeah, yeah. You know, I got taken for 75 bucks. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 19:17

Do you still have the card?

SPEAKER_00 19:19

No, no, I didn't. I didn't really say it. I'm I'm going to this humiliated me. I'm going to save this. Let me put it.

SPEAKER_02 19:26

It's a lesson learned sometimes. All right. So 22 years go by, and I'm sure you did a ton of different work. It doesn't really talk about it in a lot of your history, but how did you land host of the tonight show?

SPEAKER_00 19:40

Um, I've been on with I've been on with Johnny quite a few times. Um, but you see, with Johnny, I grew up back east, so I was going to thank you, Mr. Carson. It's Johnny. Okay, uh Johnny. I wasn't, I, you know, I didn't grow up where people said, oh, this is my parents, Bob and Agnes. Well, how are you, Mr. and Mrs. Minacelli? Nice to meet you. You didn't call your friends' parents Bob and Agnes, except when you came to LA. Right. This is my mom, Agnes, and my dad, Bob. Oh, hi, so it was all. So then when the Letterman show came on, I started, and with Dave, I could really kind of let loose a little bit. Hey, Dave, nice tie. And I could make fun of him. Things I couldn't do with Johnny. I couldn't say to Johnny, kind of suit is that, you know, whatever else might be. Well, what do you do? Well, I mean, it's just it's just an age and a respect, and I was not known. And, you know, with Dave, Dave was new and I was new. And that really led to me getting the Tonight Show because the Tonight Show saw me doing Letterman and said, Oh, this guy might be good. Let's make him a guest host, you know.

SPEAKER_02 20:41

So you started as a guest host first, and then other people were doing it also. And yeah, it just fell into your lap, kind of.

SPEAKER_00 20:50

Well, it falls into your lap with hard work. You know, I never take a job for the money. I remember I got a call from a manager who handled like six comics, and they were all guest hosting. He said, We're going to Johnny, we're gonna ask $25,000 a show to host. I said, Well, you know, I get $512 because it's the union rate. He said, We're getting $25,000 for our guys. I said, Well, you know, I'm just I don't want to really I'm just gonna do it for $512. Okay. Well, a couple months go by. Johnny, Johnny owns the show. Let's see, the ratings are all pretty good for everybody. This costs us $300,000. Lenus Leno costs us $12,000. Oh, we just make him guess house. And that's and you know, so don't worry about the money. If you're any good, it'll come later. And that's always worked for me. Uh that was sort of my attitude. You know, you earn it, earn the ability. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:50

I think that's really great advice. I think a lot of young kids need to hear that.

SPEAKER_00 21:54

Well, I'm all I'm astounded. You know, I have a friend of mine, he's a mechanic. Got a transmission shop and makes big money, $350,000, $400,000 a year, because nobody fixes transmissions anymore. So he hires one of these kids

The Tonight Show Break And Host Habits

SPEAKER_00 22:10

that went to one of these 90-day technical schools.

SPEAKER_02 22:13

Right.

SPEAKER_00 22:14

You know?

SPEAKER_02 22:14

He's got skills now.

SPEAKER_00 22:15

Yeah, so the kid's got skills. He comes in with his tools. And my friend says, Well, welcome to this first day at work. Uh I said, This is your area here, you're gonna work here. And this broom here is you just clean up your area after you're done. He goes, Well, no, no, I don't, I don't, uh I don't do janitorial. Well, it's not janitorial, it's just your area. Any mess you make, you just clean it up. I goes, no. My friend said, Is this really a deal breaker? He goes, Yeah. Okay, thanks for coming in. And he didn't get the job. Well, I mean, the guy, who are you? You clean up your is that really that's not some humiliating, not get on the and push a peanut with your nose. I mean, I mean, you know what I mean? It's just yeah, right. I'm I'm astounded at how entitled people feel sometimes.

SPEAKER_02 23:03

Right, I know, I know. So, what was a typical night like on the tonight show? Did you do tons of prep or was it more what was your behind the scenes?

SPEAKER_00 23:14

Well, you're writing jokes all day. That was pretty much the extent of it. Uh, and throughout that you find out who's on and um you try to see the movie or read the book.

SPEAKER_02 23:24

Um every day you'd re see a movie or the book of the movie.

SPEAKER_00 23:28

I always wanted to see the movie and read the book because I found that made a huge difference with stars. Because Star would come and say, Did Jay see the book? Read the movie? Uh I mean, did you see the movie? Yeah. Yeah, I did. Oh, he did. Oh, okay. Okay, now I got something to talk to them about, you know. And that always made a difference. Yeah. Uh so that to me, I thought was one of the keys. You take an interest in your guests, you know.

SPEAKER_02 23:52

I agree. I agree. I've done so many interviews and they're like, so tell me about yourself. I'm like, well, you booked me on the show. Why did you book me? Uh so did you find some people hard to interview?

SPEAKER_00 24:04

Well, you know, the worst is when you get people that don't really want to be there. Why did you come? I imagine we had Joaquin uh Phoenix once. Was it Joaquin? Yeah, the one who played Napoleon. Yeah, yeah. He played Johnny Cash. That was Joaquin, right?

SPEAKER_02 24:18

I I don't know. I think so.

SPEAKER_00 24:20

Yeah, Joaquin. And that was in his actory phase when he was just being a little odd, you know. And at the end of the show, I said, Well, thanks for coming. I hope next time you can come in person, you know. And his He said that on air? Yeah. And his agent says, He's a genius. You don't talk to geniuses. I was oh stop. You know, you get a few things like that. But for the most part, most people wanted to be there. And if you you sort of guide them, you know, you have to lose the battle sometimes to win the war. Because you you know, you have a guest on and they say something, you go, Well, I gotta I can nail them with this line. Right. But then they never come back again.

unknown 25:01

Right.

SPEAKER_00 25:01

So I But you'd get a big laugh. I would not do it, you know. And I always got the guests back again. You know, a lot of other hosts sometimes wouldn't do that. So uh so that that's uh it's it's just a matter of being polite and trying to just so I was on Letterman years ago.

SPEAKER_02 25:18

Oh, okay, how was that? He was he just kind of went after me. He was talking about like my I was married at the time to a man who had guns and was a hunter or something, and so he was all into bullets and he was talking about ammo everywhere. I'm like, what is because I was there for Revlon. I was the Revlon girl.

SPEAKER_03 25:38

Right.

SPEAKER_02 25:38

Like, uh, I don't want to talk about ammo. So I didn't quite know how to handle him.

SPEAKER_00 25:43

And I just mean you didn't talk to Dave before the show, correct?

SPEAKER_02 25:46

No, I didn't see him. I don't think I really mean that to me.

SPEAKER_00 25:48

That was always my thing. Meet with the guests. And a lot of, you know, they're just regular people. Yeah. I mean, every now you get the overblown star, but uh, most people are just and I always say, look, I gotta ask you about the cocaine bust. You can answer anywhere you want. I just have to ask the question. I'm not gonna do follow-ups and keep hammering it. I think people expect me to ask this question. Oh, okay. And then it gives them a minute to prepare whatever they want to say, you know.

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SPEAKER_02 26:17

Thinking about buying a home, but not sure where to start? Jeff Schwartz at Altitude Home Loans makes the process simple. From application to closing, Jeff helps you find the best loan for your financial goals and keeps everything moving smoothly because the right team makes all the difference. Ready to get started? Apply today with Jeff at Altitude Home Loans. Well, yeah, and that's good. But uh there's sometimes, I guess, questions. Have you ever asked a question where you like regretted it? Like it was, whoa, like it turned out wrong or they took it wrong? Well, yeah, I think, yeah, there are a couple of questions.

SPEAKER_00 26:59

Yeah, of course, you get those all the time. Yeah. I quite innocently asked a male actor who played a gay character. So when you when you make eyes at the other guy, is it like looking at a woman? I mean, how do you how did you convey that you were interested in? Oh, I just get to kind of taken apart in the press, you know. But I I only wanted to know what I mean, yeah. But I think people thought I was making fun of him or something, but I I wasn't. But then that yeah, I'm sure there's plenty of times I've done that, but that's uh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:32

Well, you pr probably can ask the question, feel it's a flop, and then make a joke out of it.

SPEAKER_00 27:38

Sometimes that works

Conan Transition And Show Business Reality

SPEAKER_00 27:40

too. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:41

Yeah. So 2009, Conan O'Brien takes over. What was what led up to that? And were you fine with it?

SPEAKER_00 27:50

Well, I I don't go where I'm not wanted, you know. If I if a girl says you don't want to go out with me, please. Oh, yeah, I don't keep calling and sending flowers. It's fine, I get it. You know, I I remember they called me in and they said, uh, Connor wants a tonight show. And I said, you know, I've been number one for 17 years. And one of the executives said, My favorite line, we want what's above number one. I said, what is that exactly? What is above number one? I mean, it just made it just made me laugh. And I said, guys, do whatever you want to do, okay? Fine. You want me out? I'm not gonna die from a thousand paper cuts. Okay. Okay, you want me out? I'm out. Okay. Then what happened was I had a five-year contract. I'm a guy, people get uh pay or play. I I know I I I play and I get paid. If I'm on the air, I gotta get paid. You know, I don't want, I don't want somebody, I got a development deal and they paid me, and I didn't have to do anything. Well, that means they don't ever want to see you again. They're paying you off, is what that really means.

SPEAKER_02 28:56

Right.

SPEAKER_00 28:56

Yeah. So I don't like those kinds of deals. So what happened was uh Craig Ferguson came along. And then Craig started beating Conan O'Brien in the ratings. And the network went, oh. And then Zucker called me and said, Uh, I think we made a mistake. I go, it's not my fault, guys. What do you want to do? So I don't know. I I go, well, look, I'm out of here. You want me out? I'm out. Well, you know, and then they thought, let's do this. How about you do the first half hour when Conan does it? I mean, they they wanted it to say, you know, uh, so it was pretty crazy. You know, there's all these speculations. Jay was working behind the scenes and I demanded $150 million. Well, no, you can't do any of that. They said to me, I said, Look, you want me to do the first half hour on Contact? If he goes for it, yeah, see if he'll go for it. Well, that's when he wrote that big thing about in the New York Times, whatever it is, you know, people of Earth, I'm not there. Okay, so then the whole thing fell apart. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:54

Yeah.

unknown 29:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 29:55

Yeah. But they came back to you with their tail between their legs?

SPEAKER_00 30:00

Not enough tail between your legs. You know, that's what I call it. It's business. Yeah. It's not, you know, you know, there's an old expression in show business. Don't fall in love with a hooker, you know. And that's what show business is. Not, these are not your friends. I mean, it's very nice and it's casual, but it's all business. They're not going to give you a ride to the airport on Saturday morning. These are not friends. So I I always, you know, I have the same friends I had in high school. And I have many acquaintances in show business, and I like all of them. But I understand business. So when they wanted to replace me with Conan, they thought they had something better, which is their fine. That's their right to do. Okay, fine. You know.

SPEAKER_02 30:41

Yeah. But they did ask you back.

SPEAKER_00 30:43

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:44

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I would have been a little bit more.

SPEAKER_00 30:49

Well, that's you know, I mean, to what end?

SPEAKER_02 30:53

I don't know. To what end?

SPEAKER_00 30:54

I mean, to me, you gotta be, I think you gotta have nerves of steel a little bit. You know something? I don't believe the good stuff and I don't believe the bad stuff. I I try to just take, oh thank you. Hey, you suck. Well, well, thank you. I thanks for the opinion. Hey, you're the greatest comic. No, I'm not, but well, thank you very much, you know. So I I I'm always it's like people go, Are you happy? I go, No, I'm content. I shoot for contentment. Happiness is a euphoric state that lasts a few minutes, and then you're a crazy person. If you're happy all the time, you're like a crazy person. But if you're content, oh people, what's the best day of your life? I go, you know, yesterday was okay. It's fine. I'm contented. Bills are paid, everybody's happy. And that's what I always shoot for. Just shoot for contentment and and you'll always be and you'll always be happy. There you go. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:51

You've gotten some great like life um advice to others, I think, from what you've been through. You know, so probably as a comedian, do you look in a room and you're like, oh, it was funny. I'm gonna use that liner. Oh, I love that situation.

SPEAKER_00 32:06

What do you mean from other comics?

SPEAKER_02 32:08

No, even like in let's say you're in a coffee shop or something.

SPEAKER_00 32:12

Oh, yeah, you keep your eyes and ears open for people who talk in odd ways or use words funny. Yeah. And you try to find uh it's another reason I don't have a manager, because when you have a manager, they do things for you, and nothing funny happens, you know. Like this is a place I go to, uh, let's call it Joe's Pizza. Okay, I go there all the time. So a new pizza place opened. I said, Well, let me try that one. So again, and there's a line, I'm standing in line. All of a sudden the year.

unknown 32:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 32:43

Hey Jay, it's Joe. Hey, hey Joe, how are you doing? He goes, What are you doing here? I thought you eat our pizza. I said, Well, you know, I had a coupon, you know, so I thought I'd try a free coupon. Coupon? We all agree we wouldn't use coupons. Okay, now I'm caught in a lie. Now I'm trapped in this stupid lie that I have to keep keep expounding on ticket. He goes, I'm gonna go talk. No, don't talk to him. There's no other okay, yeah. Look, I just want to try somebody else's pizza. That's

Cars And Jay Leno's Garage Mindset

SPEAKER_00 33:10

all it was. You know, I mean, those kind of things always make me laugh because they don't happen if somebody else go get Miss Neleno a pizza. You know, then it's not the same thing.

SPEAKER_02 33:18

Yeah, yeah. So can you um talk about how how did you learn to have a love of cars?

SPEAKER_00 33:28

Was it did you Well, I grew up in a rural area, you know. There was always broken snowmobiles or lawnmowers, things to repair. Uh just when I was a kid, boys are expected to know those kind of things. Not anymore. No, not well, cars don't break anymore. I mean, there's there's nothing. Computers do. Computers do. And well, the computers in the car, because I but there are plenty of young people that do know computers that can do that. But when I was a kid, it was mechanical things. And uh yeah, so that's pretty much how you know you could buy a car for $10 when I was a kid. Bandit by the side of the road, or someone's trading in the dealer didn't want to give them anything for it. Oh, okay. And you you do what you could to get it running, and then you had a car, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:11

So you were uh naturally adept at wanting to learn all about different types of mechanical stuff.

SPEAKER_00 34:17

Yeah, I always it was something I enjoyed. You know, when you I always say the hardest healthy is when the hands and the head work together. When I work all day in my garage and I go out and tell jokes at night, I go, this is so much easier than taking out a transmission, you know? Yeah, I'm not covered with grease and my my joints don't hurt. You know, but if you concentrate on show business all day long, well, you just go crazy. Now you're just it's just nuts. You know, you you just oh when when when you go from one extreme, like, oh, tomorrow I'm gonna work in my car. Ah, okay, that's no pressure. I just think and the other night, I'll go tell some jokes. Oh, okay. Yeah, so that makes it, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:55

But you don't have pressure now telling jokes, do you? Or is it worse because people expect you to be funny?

SPEAKER_00 35:01

No, well, when you start out, comics say, it took me five minutes, but I got them. It took me 10 minutes, but I got them. Or I never got them. Right. Now it's I got them. But I lost them after five minutes. Or I lost not 10 minutes. No, you've got to keep current. You've got to, you know, I watched a guy the other day that I knew back in the 70s. He's still doing the same material. Nixon's, I'm not a crook. I go, first of all, he said, you see that thing in the paper that talking about I go, okay, Nixon was not in the paper today. You know he wasn't in there. He's been dead for like 40 years. He wasn't in the paper. Talk, stop doing that, Nixon. Oh, it still gets a laugh. Not really. No, it's only from old people. And it's it's an old reference. You update you so you have to you have to stay relevant. I think that's the key.

SPEAKER_02 35:48

Yeah. I mean, I would assume some crowds don't even know who Nixon is anymore. Oh, yeah. Like these younger people kids when you ask them certain things and they just have no clue.

SPEAKER_00 35:56

I mean, I watch you know young comics with 20 minutes on Venmo, and I go, Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 36:02

Yeah. To us, that's like what? I'm not a we're still learning that.

SPEAKER_00 36:05

Yeah, I'm not.

SPEAKER_02 36:06

We know Rolodexes, yellow pages, Rolodexes, that's what you have.

SPEAKER_00 36:10

That's the key. Rolodex.

SPEAKER_02 36:11

Have you ever heard those scene those the kids, the young kids trying to guess what these words are because they don't know what the yellow pages are? Yeah. It's fascinating. Anyways, I mean, and we only get that because we're older, I think. So, what was your first model car going back?

SPEAKER_00 36:25

I was gonna say first model, but then I thought you might think like my first car was the 1934 Ford pickup truck. Why? Well, I drove past a gas station in Bedding, Massachusetts that was for sale for $350. And that looks pretty good. And I just bought it, you know. Yeah. I was 14 and worked on it for a couple of years. And then when I was 16, I got my license and drove over.

SPEAKER_02 36:49

Do you still have all of the cars that you have?

SPEAKER_00 36:51

I don't have that one, no. I have all the cars that I've acquired since I've been in California. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:56

So your garage must be fun.

SPEAKER_00 37:00

It's 140,000 square feet, so it's a pretty good size. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:04

Are you allowed to drive all of your cars? Allowed to drive? Meaning, do you have insurance on all of them? They're all registered and licensed. I would love to see your insurance bill.

SPEAKER_00 37:14

What's well, first of all. It must be huge. No, it's well, it's big, but not as big as you'd think. Because A, I've never gotten a ticket. Uh, if I hit a tree, I drag it home and I fix it. I don't file insurance claims. I just fix the car. I mean, you have insurance if somebody, you hit somebody and they sue you, okay. That's but in terms of collision and all these other things, no. I just we just fix it ourselves. And that's what I do. So, you know, it's not uh it's not too bad. It's it's yeah, I mean, it's excessive, of course, by any normal standard.

SPEAKER_02 37:49

Yeah, the garage size is a little excessive too.

SPEAKER_00 37:51

Exactly. I rest my case.

unknown 37:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:53

But you know, I watch hoarders and go, what's the problem? The guy's fine. You can get through this. You get through the bathroom. Look, there's a little line there. Are you a hoarder anywhere else in your house? No, not really. I mean, I don't like to sell things. I do tend to keep everything. I put these over here, you know. You know, it's real funny how that is, because you go to hoarders' houses, they keep Time magazine, but not Newsweek. I used to say, well, that's just a coincidence. And then I realized, oh, it's because it says time. I'll bet it's because it says time. But I find hoarders save time, but not Newsweek. They have a big pile of Time magazines. How many hoarders do you know? There's a few, okay, yeah. You know, I grew up in a little town in New England, so just every weird oddball kind of you know. I mean my next door neighbor did not have running water or electricity. Right up until the 70s when he died.

SPEAKER_02 38:52

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So in New England.

SPEAKER_00 38:55

In New England, yeah. He had a pump in the kitchen with a well, and he used firewood, and yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:02

Yeah. And yeah. It's a whole different way of living.

SPEAKER_03 39:05

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:06

So we may end up going back to that sooner than we think, but yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:10

I mean people from years ago could manage much better. Most of you have no idea how anything works. You know. When you bought a Model T car, you got a book that literally told you how to take the whole car apart and put it back together if something broke. No, it's gonna do that now.

SPEAKER_02 39:27

Yeah. Well, isn't it hard finding parts for some of these things?

SPEAKER_00 39:30

Well, you can 3D print or make parts, yeah. Oh that's uh Well, I mean, you know, it's like show business. We can't get in the union unless you have a job. You can't get a job unless you're in the union. I go, you're right, Larry. Go home. Okay, it can't be done. You're right, go ahead. You know, I always meet these people come with this defeatist attitude. Well, what are you doing here then? Right. If you really believe you can't make it. You know, I remember when I was a kid, I worked at a foreign car dealership and we were detailing cars. And there were five or six guys also detailing cars. And we would go out to this rich guy's Sabian was his name. Yeah. He lived in Chestnut Hill. And he had a fleet of Mercedes, like five or six, all the fancy models. And we would take, we would you once every two weeks, we'd wash his cars. And one of the guys said, wouldn't it be a great job if this is our only job, just having to clean these cars? And I said, Wouldn't it be cooler to be the guy that owns the cars? And they went, What? What are you talking about? And I I mean, they couldn't even imagine what that was like. I go, really, guys, you don't? No, it's never gonna happen. I said, Well, I'm not saying it is, but it could happen. No, I go, really? You you're that, I mean, that you're that sat in your ways. Set in your ways to defeat us or whatever. You've given up at age 28. You're just gonna wash cars and rest, not even try to do something. And I I I was I it just astounded me. I went, oh, oh, oh, oh, okay.

SPEAKER_02 40:58

Yeah, that mindset. And then you think something's wrong with you and it's not. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:02

I remember I said in my high school graduation, I'm gonna go out to California and try and be host of the Tonight Show. I got all kinds of grief about it.

SPEAKER_02 41:10

Did you go back for your like reunions and be like, ha, I did it?

SPEAKER_00 41:14

Yeah, but not like, ha, I did. That doesn't make you the most popular person.

SPEAKER_02 41:20

I didn't do that either, but I'm sure you didn't. I went back to my tenure in some designer dress, I remember, but I ended up jumping in a pool with all of my uh neighbors. Oh, okay. Well then you ruined the dress. There you go. Yep, yep. Um, so then you had some bad accidents. I mean, that must have been life-changing in a way. No, it's my my life is exactly the same. No, it's I missed two shows. That's it? It made it seem like these were horrible accidents.

SPEAKER_00 41:49

Well, I had third-degree burns on my face. That's pretty bad. Um Yeah, I got a face full of gasoline, then a spark hit it. Yeah. And you know, my my wife has Alzheimer's. So I went to the hospital and then I said my hospital, I gotta get home. My wife doesn't know. Oh no, you gotta see her. I said, Well, no, no, I guess okay. I'll I'll come back in the morning. Go back at seven o'clock in the morning. Okay. So I go home to see my wife next to me. Okay, I and I sleep. Okay. Now completely forgotten that my face is still on fire underneath. So now I wake up and the pillows stuck to my face. Oh my goodness. So now I have to take a pair of scissors and I'm cutting the pillow off my face. And now I drive back to the hospital with like pillow, pillow face, with pillows like this, you know, hitting me in the eye. Yeah, hilarious, hilarious. But um, I was there eight days. I just lived in that hyperbolic chamber. You know, I said it's gonna take 12 weeks. I don't have 12 weeks. You don't paint a car a fender at a time. Let's just do the whole thing, just don't a little piece and I come back in a week. Just do the whole thing. I like it. That's fine. And that's what we did. I missed two shows. I was out eight days. Wow. And then a year later, you had a motorcycle. No, a couple months later I had a motorcycle. A couple months later. Okay. I got a brand new face, and I'm riding my motorcycle. The guy's got a wire across the road with no flag on it. And I hit the wire and it it tore my fan. I had to call my face guy. I listen, I you know the face you gave me. I need another one. You got another face? And he gave me another face. You could have gotten clotheslined. I did get clothes lined, but I was only going, I was making a U-turn, I'm making a turn, so I was only going like 10 or 12 miles an hour, so it just tore without if I was going fast, it probably would have decapitated. So I wasn't going fast now.

SPEAKER_02 43:39

But why was there a wire in front of the road?

SPEAKER_00 43:41

I was the guy who had a parking lot and he had a wire across it, and I was turning, and the sun's in my eyes, so I didn't see the wire. If he had had a flag or something, he didn't, so yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:54

Yeah, so but he didn't, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 43:56

But recover and move on. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 43:58

I love it.

SPEAKER_02 43:59

Yeah, I didn't see the Guy. So don't worry about it.

unknown 44:01

It's fine.

SPEAKER_02 44:02

Right. I wish more people were like that.

SPEAKER_00 44:04

Yeah, I'm not a it's my own fault. I'm stupid. I didn't see he didn't have a flag.

SPEAKER_02 44:09

Wouldn't that be nice if

Accidents Marriage And Caring For Mavis

SPEAKER_02 44:10

more people said that?

SPEAKER_00 44:10

No, but I went back. I go back now. It looks like Flag City. He's got every flags everywhere. Look out. You know, so yeah, yeah, yeah. Signs.

SPEAKER_02 44:19

I think he learned wire ahead. I think he learned his lesson.

unknown 44:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:22

Yeah. Yeah. Um, so your wife. When how did you meet your wife?

SPEAKER_00 44:27

Oh, well, that's interesting. I lived with a few women. They're all born on the same day. I don't know how that happened. It just happened. I just seem to be attracted. I remember one day I had a guest on the show. Remember Kathy Guy's wife? She wrote this comic strip, Kathy.

SPEAKER_03 44:44

Oh yes, yes, yes.

SPEAKER_00 44:45

So she's on the show. And I said to her, you know, please don't take this the wrong way. I'm not hitting on you, but I'm attracted to you. I wrote a date on this piece of paper. Just tell me if it means anything to you. She goes, That's my birthday. I said, Okay, thank you very much. And it was the same. It's just so funny. I'm a Taurus, and September 5th is uh Virgo. And uh yeah, it just it's a little funny. So the last woman I met with is I married, and I'm still married. So it's yeah. But where'd you meet her? She was in the audience of the comedy club.

unknown 45:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 45:22

And was she laughing harder than other people or not laughing at all?

SPEAKER_00 45:25

That's not one of my criteria is that they have to laugh like a hyena at all the street. I mean, you want a woman that's kind of got some some taste in her. That's not funny. You know, you want somebody to know as a kid. Oh, that's so funny. Right.

SPEAKER_02 45:37

No, you want someone telling you the truth.

SPEAKER_00 45:39

Yes, exactly. Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 45:41

But so what stood out with her that was different than anyone else?

SPEAKER_00 45:46

Well, you know, I always tell people you should marry your conscience. You should marry the person you wish you could be. Um, I'm in show businesses, which is sort of a greedy profession. So you should find somebody who does good work, works of animals, something. And my wife actually actually got a Nobel Priest Fise nomination. She does? Yeah, for that uh work she did in other women in Afghanistan. And they got beat out by Jimmy Carter, but that's okay. But yeah, but yeah, yeah, so that's what that's what she did. So and and that worked out pretty good. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:17

Yeah. So you've been married 45 years ago. 46 years. Yeah.

unknown 46:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 46:22

And I just love how you do take care of her now.

SPEAKER_00 46:26

Yeah, yeah. I mean, she's got Alzheimer's now, and that's uh but it's okay. You know, it's not cancer, it's not a tumor. She's not rack with pain. I I I can still make her laugh, you know. That's kind of the fun part. You know, we were lying in bed the other night and she goes, Honey, honey, I love you. I said, You're having a nightmare. Go back to bed. And she thought that was she didn't stop laughing for like 10 minutes. She thought that was the funniest thing. Oh it just it just made me laugh. I just said so funny.

SPEAKER_02 46:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 46:57

You're having a nightmare. Go back to it.

SPEAKER_02 47:00

But you can still be funny and half asleep. That's good.

SPEAKER_00 47:03

Well, I but yeah, I mean, that's you know, we have we have a good time. Yeah, you know, I'll tell you another friend. We try to watch TV shows that are episodic as opposed to like over a five-week period where you can say simple shows, easy.

SPEAKER_02 47:18

It's called binge watching.

SPEAKER_00 47:19

Yeah, yeah. So we're watching Hawaii 5-0 from the 60s. Okay. With Steve McGarrett, Jack Lord. And every woman Jack Lord meets is honey, sweetie, honey, come here, honey, honey, come here. So honey, sweetie, you're like that, right? So we're watching this episode where Stanley Holloway, the old actor, plays a genetic scientist who's kidnapped by the red Chinese. So McGarrett goes to see his daughter, who's like 40, and says to her, What kind of uh genetic engineering did your father do? And she says, Well, I'm just a woman, but I don't understand such things. And I hear F you, that's how my wife screaming from the bed. It just really made me laugh. She just screaming, sex is uh just just really made me laugh. So she still got the fire, she still gets it, you know. So yeah, those kind of things are funny.

SPEAKER_02 48:16

Yeah, yeah. I talked to the TV too. Well, you know, I read, which was interesting. It said that which I I guess I want to know your motivation behind it. When you were working with NBC, you didn't ever spend any of your salary.

SPEAKER_00 48:33

No.

SPEAKER_02 48:33

Why?

SPEAKER_00 48:34

You you just being dyslexic. Uh you know so funny. I did a thing at Chase Manhattan Bank. They asked me to come in and talk about my uh economic strategy, which is stupid. I work and my money relaxes. That's my attitude.

SPEAKER_03 48:50

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_00 48:51

I like that. I work and I always had two jobs. I was a kid. I worked at McDonald's and I worked at a car dealership. And whichever one made the most, I'd bank and live on the other one. And that's what it is. So when I got to the Tonight Show, I was a working comic. But I have so many fun, because you know, once you stop being a comic, it's not impossible to pick it up again, but it almost is. Because, you know, you got an hour and a half in your head, and then you don't do it for a year and you forget everything, and then people hire you because they expect you to be a year funnier than you were the last time, and it doesn't work. So you have so while I was doing the tonight show, I always worked. So, and I lived on the money I made as a comedian, and I banked the tonight show. And that's right.

SPEAKER_02 49:37

That's how though, if you're working five nights a week on the tonight show, how did you do stand up? Was it during the day? Sometimes tonight show was shot in the afternoon?

SPEAKER_00 49:48

Yeah, 4 30. Oh, okay. And then you'd 7 o'clock, go to Vegas or stage at 9. We'll be back home 11, 12, midnight.

SPEAKER_02 49:56

Are you a late person?

SPEAKER_00 49:57

Like, I'm a late person, but yeah. And then there's always Friday, Saturday, Sunday. You know, I work every weekend somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. So that. And I like that. That was fun because you find out if something's really funny. When you're on TV and they flash the line, applause. Ah ha ha ha. Laugh. Ah. It's not really, I go, you know, that just wasn't that funny, guys. It is so so if you go out and you try it.

SPEAKER_02 50:22

You should have your own applause button.

SPEAKER_00 50:23

Yeah, no, that's that would be the worst thing, maybe. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 50:28

How is uh stand-up different today than it was?

SPEAKER_00 50:32

It isn't. It's exactly the same. It's no different. You know, comedy. If I showed you a Rudolph Valentino movie from the 20s, you'd go, this is the corniest thing I've ever seen. You wouldn't think it was romantic. I think you'd probably laugh and it'd be very comical with all the gestures. But if you watched Keaton or Charlie Chaplin from the same era, I think you'd laugh maybe even more now because of the clothes and the cars and all that kind of thing. So comedy doesn't really change. You know, the rich fat guy in a tuxedo falling in a mud puddle is always going to get a laugh. I'm sorry, it just does. It just always gets a laugh. You know, and there are some things that don't change. I mean, what changed now is, and I don't see it as that big a deal. It's political correctness, which I was which initially was not bad. You know, when I started out, people did racial jokes, women were bad drivers, blondes were dumb, all these kind of things. And and after a while, you realize, no, no, most women work have a job now. They're not home watching TV. No, they're not doing that. And those jokes don't work anymore. So you stop doing them. The people that continue to do them might still work, but eventually you fall by the wayside. I mean, that's what's changed. I mean, now there's a tendency to give your political opinion and everything. And I get beat up for this all the time. But as someone who works in the real world, when you go to Indiana, I'm sorry, a third of your audience is going to be Trump people. So by just doing a diatrob against it's really not gonna work. I mean, your idea is to get laughs. That's what that's what I'm here for.

Modern Comedy Money Rules And Charity

SPEAKER_00 52:20

And you need to know your audience. Yeah, and you need to know your audience. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, Johnny and I used to pride ourselves on making fun of both sides equally. Now we get beaten up for that. But okay, that's all right.

SPEAKER_02 52:31

Yeah. How do you know you're getting beat up if it's television?

SPEAKER_00 52:36

Oh on TV, I go, well, I think that would be considered getting beat up.

SPEAKER_02 52:40

But TV, like TV was a different feedback than stand-up, right?

SPEAKER_00 52:45

Well, no, I'm just saying, you know, uh other shows. Uh you know, it's just and plus the press doesn't always get it right, you know. I mean, I I I did an interview with the Reagan Library, the humor of Ronald Reagan. Okay. At the end of the interview, the guy says, How did you and Johnny handle it? And I said, Oh, we handle it because we've made fun of both sides equally. That's all I said. Two weeks later, Colbert gets fired. Then a headline comes up. Leno says to Colbert, you're doing it wrong. And they picture me like this, and you always get that shot of you like a Trump shot. And then I hear from his people and fans, well, you don't know. I never I didn't use anybody's name. I didn't say anybody's. I love all those guys. They're good comics, they're funny, they write great jokes. I I just said I I just don't yeah. So you you you can't win, you know.

SPEAKER_02 53:40

Yeah, it must be difficult. And they take things out of context. Well, they take things out of context. So sometimes I think you get almost sensitive or you don't want to Well, you know, that's why show business pays a lot of money.

SPEAKER_00 53:51

Because when he is when you get screwed as a police officer or a nurse or a teacher, you don't get anything. When you get screwed in TV, well, it is a couple of million dollars. All right, okay, I guess that'll be okay. Yeah. So no, it's it's not bad. It's not bad.

SPEAKER_02 54:07

What was it like being on the road as a comic?

SPEAKER_00 54:10

Was that a I'm still on the road as a comic.

SPEAKER_02 54:12

So you but you don't go for like months at a time, obviously, because you're taking care of your wife.

SPEAKER_00 54:17

I mean, as a comic, I don't I don't travel in a bus. I fly, I went to Puerto Rico and came back the same day. You know, I mean, I that's what I do. I come back every day. So people, how long is this tour? Well, it's the rest of my life. I I mean, I just I go out and I work. It it's not, it's just me. And you work because you want to and you have more to say. Well, I enjoy it. I I like it. I mean, it keeps it's my gym. I'm not really a gym guy. So to me, to go and run through your act somewhere, you might as well get paid for it. It seems silly not to. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, and plus, I, you know, it's fun to tell jokes. I mean, I enjoy it. It's fun to make people laugh. You know, my mother had a very rough life. My mother was born in Greenex, Scotland. My grandmother ran off with another man, and my grandfather's stuck in a studio apartment with six kids. And the landlord came by one day and said, You got too many kids, you got to get rid of two. Well, my mother was 11, her sister was 14, and of course, they're girls. Go kick them out. So I took them down to the docks in Greenex, Scotland, put them on a boat, they came to America.

SPEAKER_02 55:23

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 55:24

Yeah.

unknown 55:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 55:24

And this is how And we think we have life, life tough. Well, yeah, yeah. That's the way it is.

SPEAKER_03 55:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 55:30

So I didn't get into your Jay Leno garage TV show talking. Well, I want to talk about that a little bit. What do you want to know? I how how did you develop the concept?

SPEAKER_00 55:40

Just because you combined everything you had cars and at the time, kind of podcasting was a new thing. And well, let's just shoot some. It just was something else to do, you know. And I I did it through NBC. They had their own sort of inner cable knife. So they were looking for new products, you know, expand. So that worked out pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. I've been doing it 20-something years now. I think it's one of the, I think it's the fourth, fourth oldest show on YouTube. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 56:11

Oh, wow. Yeah. I have to go watch one. I haven't watched it yet. That's right. So talk about your charity work at the end. You you're very philanthropic. Well, yeah, well, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 56:24

Well, I suppose so. You know, I always meet celebrities who want everybody to know the good work they're doing anonymously.

unknown 56:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 56:32

Follow my gif. Yeah, I mean, I have this garage, and people pay a lot of money to tour it, and 100% of the money goes to charity. We don't deduct a cleaning fee or you know, I hate these charities, especially these poor ones from these veterans, where a portion of your money will go, and it's like 12% goes to the actual charity. The rest is for the fundraising activity and all, you know, just maintaining the the office and all that kind of nonsense. We 100% of your donation goes to the charity. And that's what we do. And it works out pretty good. You know, police officers fire, you know, men and women injured in the line of duty, stuff like that.

SPEAKER_02 57:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 57:13

Yeah, and I enjoy doing that. That's fun. So we probably do seven or eight of those a week. So oh. Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_02 57:22

The tours.

SPEAKER_00 57:22

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 57:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 57:24

Because you do all, you know, whenever I do a gig, we have an auction at the end, and people say, Oh, one guy paid 50 grand to tour the garage. So it's okay. It's deductible, you know.

SPEAKER_02 57:34

Oh, wow. Yeah, it's funny. That's neat. So anything else that you want to do that you've never done before?

SPEAKER_00 57:41

You know, I'm trying to get out of stuff, actually. I'm not uh, no, I I, you know, I've I never thought I'd get this far. You know, my parents are gone. They saw me be successful. That was the most important thing. You know, my mother, my mother never quite understood what I did, which has always made me laugh. I remember, and the first time I was on the cover of Time magazine, I called my mother. I said, Mom, on cover of Time, which one? You know, Time magazine, Ma Time Magazine. Oh, oh, Time. Okay, yeah, okay. I'll look you go up to the spa. That's where you got your magazines in my town. And I said, Well, call Uncle Frank in Florida and call Aunt Faye in New Jersey. She goes, Oh no, I don't. I think they put you on the covers of the ones they sell around here because they know you're from this area. I don't think you're on the cover in Florida. Ma, it's Time magazine. I'm on the cover everywhere. I don't think so. Ma, it's Ma, believe me, it is on the cover. Yeah, I mean, that always used to make me laugh.

SPEAKER_03 58:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 58:35

Yeah, I remember I was playing Carnegie Hall, and I write my parents down, my mother, Carnegie. Well, why would a comedian be at Carnegie Hall? It doesn't make any sense, you know. Okay. So I see my parents sitting dead center, like fifth row, dead center. And I had been doing Letterman like every month, you know, for like six months now. So behind my mother was like seven or eight college kids. And they're laughing, laughing their asses off. And mother turns around and goes, shh, shh, shh. I go, Ma, Ma, you don't shush people at a comedy show. And because and of course, my mother's from Scotland, to me, that there was nothing worse to my mother than being singled out. Like when I was a little kid, we'd go to the supermarket and be like five, and I'd run away from my mom, and I would go up to the account, say, could you page a Mrs. Leno with a Catherine Leno? Oh, my mother just thought that wasn't what's important to have her name spoken over the, you know. Is that why you did it? Oh, of course that's why I did it. Yeah, that's why I did always. Oh, it's really funny. It was really funny. Maybe that's how you got your humor, trying to just make your mother cringe. Well, making my mother laugh was a big part of it, because my mom had a big, uh not a particularly happy life. So her attitude was to sit like this. Not unhappy, but just didn't seem so as a child, anything I could do to make my mom laugh, oh, you know, all that seemed like a fun thing to do, you know?

SPEAKER_02 1:00:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:01

Man, I'll tell you a funny story. I was gonna take my mom back to Scotland. So I buy all the tickets, I surprise her. Hey, mom, we're going to Scotland. Well, you, you and Daddy go. Oh, Daddy, Daddy's want to, Daddy's Italian. He doesn't want to go to Scotland. He's just coming because he's she goes, well, no, I don't know. I can't figure out why she doesn't want to go back. I can't figure it out. Well, then I started talking to her sister, and here's what happened. In 1934, my dad takes my mother down to become a citizen. You can get six questions wrong. If you get the seventh question wrong, you're out and you have to come back next year. My mother gets six questions wrong. The seventh question was, what is the U.S. Constitution? And my mother said it's a boat, which it was sitting in Boston Harbor. The judge goes, I'm sorry. My father goes, my father, who was a tough guy, Italian, enterprise fighter, what do you mean it's it's in the harbor? It's a boat in the harbor. What are you talking about? The guy goes, sir. And I answered the U.S., the U.S. Constitution. It's right there. The guy goes, it's fine by five. Fine, you're a citizen, fine, fine. Hits the hammer, just get out of here. My mother's so convinced that the judge went back and pulled her name that she would never be able to leave the country again. This is 50 years later. Oh, wow. I said, Ma, I'll check, I'll check. And of course, there's no, of course, the guy didn't pull it, you know. Right. Yeah. But my mother was, she was afraid of that for 50 years. But did she finally end up going? Oh, yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:31

Yeah, we took her. Did she have relatives still over there or had the elderly?

SPEAKER_00 1:01:36

No relatives. Um, everybody had been bombed. Glasgow was pretty much bombed out. And everybody had pretty much left. And uh no, so they didn't have any. My my mother was, she worked as a servant girl, and I went to a house where my mother's job was to polish this table as a six-year-old. Wow. And it was a huge manor house with a giant table built specially for this house. And I said to my mother, let's go. My mother walked in, she said, Look, the table's still there. The table's still there. So I told her I was gonna uh chain her to the table and she'd have to spend her rest of her life polishing. And she just thought she had that movie, she thought that was the funniest thing ever.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:20

Well, I'm glad she thought that was funny.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:22

But yeah, yeah. So yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:24

Okay. Well, I pretty much got what I wanted. All right. I think that you That's the way women are. Yeah. They get what they want. We just used you up and stuck up.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:35

That's how it works. Welcome to show business.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:38

I just thank you for being on Unexpired. Well, thank you. Thanks. Thanks for having me on. I appreciate it. Yeah. I just love your mindset that you just it doesn't matter how old you are, you still have things to contribute and you're gonna keep going.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:50

Yeah, I enjoy myself. I have good times.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:52

Yeah. Some people don't. Some people retire and give up and not give up, but I guess in my to me, it's giving up.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:59

Yeah, because I think it's giving up.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:01

I don't want to retire either.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:02

I I think it's giving up, yeah, yeah. And if you're doing something you like, I mean, the same jokes I tell for free, I get paid for. And it doesn't really make any difference. It's nice to get paid for them, but tell them for free is okay too.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:15

Right.

unknown 1:03:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:17

At this point, you're not counting the money in the bank, right? They're still counting.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:22

Always counting.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:24

All right. Well, you go back to counting your money. I'm gonna do that.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:28

What car did you drive here today? I drove a uh 2012 McLaren uh sports car.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:33

Okay. Oh, nice. That's why it made such noise out there. It's a nice car. Yeah, it's a nice car.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:37

Yeah, and it looks brand new. I keep them all looking nice. Oh, I bet you do. Yeah. Yeah. You have a favorite wax? Yeah, my own. We have a J Lells garage car products.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:46

Ah.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:46

We'll probably do 12, 14 million at Walmart this year. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:51

I did not know that. That's very good.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:53

Yeah, do a little research.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:55

I thought I did enough research, but I guess I didn't.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:57

Yeah, sorry.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:58

There's always more. You're very you've got things that you there you go, right?

SPEAKER_00 1:04:02

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:03

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:04

Well, thank you. Thanks, Kim. I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:06

Thanks for watching the

Closing And KimAlexis.com

SPEAKER_02 1:04:08

show. If you have any questions for me or you want any more information, go to Kim Alexis.com.